My Post Apocalypse Survival Guide...

I've been thinking about the apocalypse quite a bit lately.  I'm not really sure why, but it might have something to do with the fact that I am always reading books or watching TV shows or movies about living a post apocalyptic life.  I've come up with a list of must-haves in order to survive.  (note: There are several plausible  apocalypses, therefore this list will prepare me for all of them.)

Survival Must Have:
1. A very knowledgeable, says-the-right-thing-at-the-right-moment, stoic, yet witty, black man in your group. Think about it ...Denzel Washington in The Book of Eli, 

Will Smith in I am Legend.

The black guy from Dawn of the Dead

Second need for survival...
2. A great immune system.
If the apocalypse occurs because of a global, wipe-out disease...then I need to boost my immune system.  I just read a book by Stephen King called The Stand.  (It was over 1200 pages long and at first, I thought that it was great, But by the end...I was very bored) However...in order to survive, one had to be immune to the disease that spread across the world killing 98% of the population.


(this guy is an expert...I'm going to believe him)

3. An ability to shoot a gun or wield a machete

(Emma Stone in Zombieland)
If I'm going to live through the apocalypse and live through it WELL, I need to know how to shoot a gun.  I know, I know...you might say..."But Brittany, I thought you were an impeccable marksman." Well, you got me there.  I am a good shot...thanks for bringing it up...however.  I don't think that being a good shot is going to help me load and operate a gun.  It's kind of like fishing...I can catch all the fish in the world...but it isn't going to do me a damn bit of good if I, for the life of me cannot, under any circumstances bring myself to take a live, finning fish off of a hook.  I will be standing there, holding a fishing pole with a flopping fish on the end, waiting for someone to take it off.
Only, in the apocalypse...there won't BE anyone to take the fish off my hook............I will have to just wait for it to suffocate and die...and that is just cruel.
<back to guns>
There are several instances, that I can think of, where it would be handy to know how to operate a gun.
    1. If there are zombies, I can shoot them.
    2. I can shoot animals for food.
    3. I can shoot looters who try and steal my goods.
    4. If anyone tries to rape me...I can shoot them
    5. Um...do I even have to mention how bad ass it is going to look when I have pistols in hip holsters and a 12 gauge shotgun strapped to my back? I don't think so.  (Disclaimer: The main objective in living in a post apocalyptic world (besides surviving), by the way, is to look and act as bad ass as you possibly can...reference: Mel Gibson in Mad Max and Mila Kunis in The Book of Eli)



I suppose you could substitute a machete for a gun...although, if I have to cut people up...I'll probably just go ahead and die because I don't think I could slice anything but a watermelon successfully...

5. A dog for a companion...
I suppose if all the people around you are dead, then a dog would be a good companion.  In The Stand, they find a dog and it brightens the mood of the travelers tremendously.  Apparently, Mad Max also has a dog...

as does Will Smith,

There are several draw backs to this...Apparently, dogs aren't always immune to wipe-out-the-human-race diseases either.  In The Stand, dogs did not really survive...but this one did.  In I am Legend, his dog gets attacked by infected dogs and then his one and only companion gets sick and he has to kill her! It was horrible.  On a different note, I may need to invest in some different dogs...perhaps pound dogs.  I don't think Chloe and Coletrane will be able to hack the apocalypse...


I'm just saying...

6. Come to grips with and conquer all of my irrational fears...
Let's face it...those of you who know me, and know me well, know that I have a lot of odd phobias.  For example: When making dinner with my sister Haley a few months ago, there were chicken feathers still on the drumstick. I told her that I could not...simply COULD NOT pluck those feathers out.  She looked at me...stared for a bit and then said very simply.  "You aren't going to survive the apocalypse." (this coming from a woman who falls into hysterics when an ant crawls across the kitchen floor)  This got me thinking: What phobias are imperative for me to get over and which ones are ok for me to have?
   A.) My fear of dead birds and my constant fear of unexpectantly stumbling upon one.
   <---If this happens, I don't know if I will be able to leave the house. (see previous post: Fat Tuesday)
Why, you may ask, should I overcome this fear?  Because...during the apocalypse...there may be more instances of birds dropping dead, spontaneously from the sky, like they did on New Years of this year. (Dead Birds)
also...
(<---these are all the places where mass animal deaths have occurred.)
So...as you can easily see...I need to be able to truck through the apocalypse even if there are dead birds all over the road. Plus, because access to food may be limited, I may have to resort to killing and eating birds...If I kill a bird...then I will have to handle a dead bird....ehhhh...I don't like this idea.
    B) My fear of being eaten by a shark(s)

I'm not really too concerned about facing/overcoming this fear.  Although sharks scare the crap out of me and when I see pictures/videos about them, I can't look away...I don't think that, even in a post-apocalyptic world, that I am going to run into them too much.  I have no real desire to be near an ocean.  so...this fear, I can keep.
   C) Getting eaten by an alligator.
 
This fear...depending on where I live after the apocalypse, could come true.  I found some tips on the internet at a website called...Animal Attacks, on how to avoid an attack by an alligator...here they are, right here...

• Stay away from alligator inhabited areas during the dusk and early evening. This is the time of day alligators most commonly feed. They are also most active during the warm, summer months.
• Don't clean fish and discard the parts near water. This attracts alligators to the shore, and maybe even to a swimmer nearby. (THIS IS A TIP THAT I WILL REMEMBER WHEN I LEARN HOW TO TAKE A FISH OFF THE HOOK)
• Avoid searching or reaching for lost golf balls, boomerangs or anything else in water. This can be dangerous, especially to your hands and feet. ( I DON'T KNOW HOW BIG OF A PROBLEM THIS WILL BE, SEEING THAT I HAVE NEVER GOLFED OR EVEN SEEN A BOOMERANG, BUT CONSIDER IT NOTED)
• Keep pets away from waters inhabited by alligators. Small pets especially can attract alligators to the shoreline, or nearby swimmers. (CHECK)
• Never feed alligators. Giving food to the alligators teaches them to associate humans with food. (UM...DUH?)
• Don't harass an alligator if one is seen. An alligator will usually avoid a human unless is feels threatened, so turn around and move the other way quietly. (CONSIDER THIS TIP FOLLOWED)

   D.) My fear of abnormally large inanimate objects...
For example...,
  
I'm sure there will be many different large inanimate objects in the post apocalyptic world.  However, I'm sure due to sheer exposure, I will be able to overcome this fear during the apocalypse.
(On a side note, the last two pictures, I have seen these in real life.  They are from a highway in North Dakota called the enchanted highway. My friends from high school, Rachel Knutson and Stephanie Irish picked me up from college in Idaho one year and on the way home we took this highway thinking it would be fun...IT WAS NOT FUN, IT WAS HORRIFYING.)

This is in no way a complete guide to surviving the apocalypse, just so you all know....I've been writing this post for several days now...so I've thought long and hard about the last point.

7.  I need to be able to take on several "people" at one time, in a fight.
I put people in quotations because I may not be fighting people off.  They may be animals, aliens, or zombies...

You never know when you might need a set of fighting skills to ward off post apocalyptic monsters.  A gun and dog may help but, I think being able to fight in hand to hand combat is just as  bad ass of a skill as shooting someone.  Also...think Hunger Games.  The one thing I've learned is: You have to be able to kick butt after the apocalypse.

Alright...well that ends my list for now.  I know that I have a lot of work to do in order to solidify my survival in the post apocalyptic world.  If any of you have any other skills you think would be worth having to live, feel free to post.  In the meantime...I'm going to start mastering my list. Happy surviving...